I'm no longer the same mother I started out as a little over two years ago. Maybe it's also because my son is no longer the same helpless babe.
I was always stern but gentle in my instruction and handling of him and to the amazement of others and myself, never even raised my voice at him until he was about 14 months old. He was that cooperative, obedient and responsive. The walking, talking, exploring, imaginative toddler burst forth into his big bright world at 18 months and by age two, became something I totally didn't recognize.
We have had daily battles. We're having even more daily battles.
Gabe is a very particular boy. I'm not sure if it's because he can articulate his preferences early, or is it a trade-off with the fact that he is easier in other areas. I don't know. Some times, I've even given up trying to think of reasons behind certain behaviour.
I've become so bad tempered now. Small things trigger a volcanic eruption. I've broken a few personal rules on a couple of occasions and I feel really bad about it. Some days I feel so guilty.
"It's a phase, it's a phase", I find myself repeating. I have to consciously find joy in what I'm doing. I have to talk to myself to remind myself of the big picture and how since on hindsight, I'm happy that I'm doing what I'm doing, then I'll be glad I stuck on when I look back a few years later.
More than ever, my responses, the words I speak, the unspoken gestures and values that are revealed in my daily life are caught on by my little one. It simply adds on to the tall order of being sane at the end of a day.
Scripture/ songs come to mind when I'm at my wits end. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness. This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. Jehovah Jireh, my provider, His grace is sufficient for me.
The Lord loves Gabe more than I can ever ask or imagine and He is in control. Urgh... why is parenting so difficult!?!
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4 comments:
haha....who said parenting was easy? char was strong-willed and tough even as a baby so i guess i got used to this battling much earlier..... in any case, ask god to help you choose the battles and help you see the good in all this. Actually, i find its a sharpening process for our own characters too more than anything! Nevertheless, take heart and enjoy him irregardless!:) Keep it up!
Yes, I've always thought this parenting this shapes the parent more than the child(ren). I'm trying to tell myself to enjoy everyday! This talking to myself thing is also something I've acquired since becoming a mother...
shouldn't this post be in your own blog? hahahahh its not gabe related! well not directly...
nod nod...agree agree...yeah man! haiz...the older ashlee gets, the more rules i break..
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